Minions: it’s time somebody addressed just what the hell is going on with them. I think people might have found them cute and hilarious when the first Despicable Me film came out in cinemas – but now, it’s beyond a joke.
It’s almost as if we’ve entered into a Third Wave of Minionism – first, we loved them, then we were inspired by them (see Minion Quotes), and now, some of us are beginning to despise them, or at least love them ironically.
The First Wave of Minionism began in 2010, when Despicable Me came out. We didn’t know what we were in for. Out of nowhere, girls started wanting birthday cakes and pyjama tops and iPhone cases with the little fucks on them. Your friendship group wasn’t complete without “the girl who loves minions”. “Yeah, Amy loves Minions! We should throw her a Minion party! Cos she loves Minions! She’s got the phone case and everything!”
This trickled on for a while, until after Despicable Me 2 came out. Then, Minionism reached a whole new level. It wasn’t just Amy (who you were starting to think you should stop inviting out), now it’s your Mum, your Aunt, and your next door neighbour sharing Instagram-sized photos of Minions.
I can’t believe it’s been going on this long – people thinking it’s completely socially acceptable to share these. Where did these even come from? And why? Who thought it would be OK to put some shit quote next to a Minion, as if he’s saying it? As if Minions are the true provider of all the terrible quotes that idiotic teenagers and single parents cling to in the hopes they’ll one day get them tattooed on them for a decent price and probably in Lucida Calligraphy? (Google it). But did anyone consider the fact that MINIONS CAN’T EVEN TALK PROPERLY?! MINIONS CAN BARELY SPEAK. AND YET THEY ARE SUPPOSEDLY THE SPOKESPEOPLE OF ALL INSTAGRAM QUOTES. WHY WERE THEY GIVEN THIS ROLE?! WHY ARE THEY THE FACE OF WHITE PEOPLE?!
And now, as the spin off film we’ve all been waiting for approaches, we see the rise of the Third Wave of Minionism. Are people now starting to realise how far this has gone? Are people finally growing weak with the epidemic that is Minions? Now, I see people showing ironic love towards Minions, or just flat out complaining about how sick and tired they are of seeing them.
But this begs the question: will we see a Fourth Wave? Or will the little shits ever disappear off our radar? To be honest, this could escalate to a complete Minion Dictatorship. I wouldn’t be surprised if Minions were the leaders of a new world. There’ll be safety camps set up, where people who haven’t seen a Minion all day will find refuge, and flip through catalogues with thousands of pages filled with Minion Quotes to cleanse their souls…we’ll only be allowed to wear yellow and blue… IKEA’s shares will soar…and the only fruit we’ll be allowed to eat are bananas, the pronunciation of which will, of course, change…
God, if you stare into those goggles long enough, that seriously becomes a reality.
Anyway, hopefully they’ll soon end up as novelty collector’s items. You can almost hear the faint cry of “ba-nana” as they get shoved into the back of a supply closet in Toys R Us. Ah, how I long for that day. Until then – stay safe.